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As some of you may know I've struggled a little since having Amelie. Not with post natal depression as I first thought but more to do with old issues raising their ugly head. There's nothing like having a baby for making you remember your childhood. Not that mine was all bad at all, just that I carried forward some issues I always suspected were there but were never enough of a problem to affect my day to day life, until, well, until I became a mother.
I'm having a mixture of CBT and some other kind of therapy which involves digging into your past and whilst it's incredibly useful it's also pretty emotionally draining! I've decided to write more about my experiences for two reasons: it's cathartic (hello dear diary moments) and I know some of you can relate. And if not you'll probably read and be mighty relieved you have no such issues!
Anyway this isn't going to be as regular series like the Mothers on Motherhood. I will probably just write when the mood strikes. I've decided to call this series On The Couch because I'm witty like that ;)
And I'd love this to be interactive in that I would love your feedback. Do you feel the same, do you have no idea what I'm talking about, do you have any recommendations? Hit me with it all!
I would apologise for being incredibly self involved but you know what, this is my blog and I think I do enough apologising in life for the way I am, so feel free to come back another day if this isn't your bag.
Okay, on to 'session' number one. I may well be pinching things my therapist says but if it makes me sound smart so much the better ;)
Making a fool of yourself. There are many things that make me nervous but making a fool of myself in front of others is definitely one of them. Here are a a few things I don't like the idea of:
* getting drunk and obnoxious in public and having other people think I'm a bit of an idiot.
* telling a boy I like him to have him be disinterested (not such a prob now but when I was younger, this was a biggie).
* trying hard to do something well and not pulling it off whether it be something work related or social.
* puking in public ( I do so hate this idea).
I'm well aware this makes me sound a little unhinged but I guess I mean I like to seem composed, in control, sorted. I like other people I meet to think I know who I am and what I'm doing (whatever that is). I don't like to seem unsure, scared, silly.
One thing my therapist said is that a lot of people today struggle with this concept of perfection and I guess this is related to the idea of making a fool of yourself.
I want to be the best version of myself. I want my home to be Pinterest worthy, my baby to be happy and well behaved, my relationship to be fulfilling and meaningful, my life to be well rounded and well, perfect. In terms of my life of course. But I feel I'm constantly striving for some imaginary perfection. I don't know who the hell is handing out the gold stars but I'll be damned I'm going to get one.
And making a fool of myself? Well slip 3 rungs down the ladder if you let that happen. Perfect people don't make a fool of themselves.
I have some idea where my desire to be perfect comes from but I also know other people suffer the same unhealthy notion and don't necessarily have my childhood experiences.
When I was talking about this with my therapist she asked me who cared if I made a fool of myself, who cared if I was perfect? And the best answer I had? Everyone and no one. In terms of the universe no one really gives a s*** if I make a fool of myself or if I'm 'perfect'. There's no competition when you die where someone grades you according to perfection (well maybe if you're religious, but you know what I mean).
I am so hung up on getting it right, whatever the hell it is. And it sure as hell doesn't make me happy. So whilst unfortunately I can't just snap my fingers and care less, I can do my bit to make a fool of myself and see that my world doesn't end. Whilst this doesn't mean getting wasted, telling a boy I like him and puking on the floor (no longer 16), I'm sure there's something I can do. Living with a bit more abandon maybe?
Any suggestions welcome here lovelies! I guess we're talking about caring about what other people think of you. Do you care, or are you one of those rare breeds who goes forth in life confident in their own way of doing things and to hell what people think or are you more like me, wanting to not give a s*** but secretly caring?
I find that the moments I start caring what other's may think, are the times I do something that doesn't make me happy. And I make a fool of myself. I think it's important to live each day and do what you want to do. Screw what someone else might think, they don't run your life, so they have no effect on it, so they shouldn't have an effect on one's thoughts. Live with a bit more abandon, you will find things you never knew you could do and it will help you to know what you like and what you don't like. I make a fool of myself all the time, but more of a 'I trip over everything' kind of way, I can laugh at myself and that's ok. I used to be the 'wanting not to give a s*** but secretly caring, but now I'm more of the 'I don't give a shit, because I have only one life and I plan on living it to the fullest & what's best for me and my family' way. People will always have something to say about what you do, so you can ignore them or tell them their opinions don't matter & keep doing what you want! I had to go to a counseler before having my second daughter because I had bad post natal depression with my first and a lot of the problems were from childhood & that made a huge difference. I had said to her about being afraid to say what I want to people & she said why? And I said because I don't want people to be mad at me & she said, 'but it's ok for them to make you feel bad or tell you what to do, but it's not ok to tell them what they are doing is wrong? And how saying what you don't like isn't bad and saying that being a mother matters and people can't walk all over you just because they believe in their minds they are right. If you want respect, you must act as if you are deserving of it, because you are. Then everything made sense. There is no such thing as perfect, we all make mistakes and fall behind, but I think it's the ones that just admit it, are the stronger ones. We put up this front like to say we're not ok is weak, but it's the opposite. So go on, make a fool of yourself, tell people to just piss off (in a nicer way) and live life the way you want and what's best for you and your family, because they are all that matters :))) x
ReplyDeleteI've made a fool of myself plenty of times and afterwards, there seems to be a valuable lesson or you discover something about yourself. I'm sure plenty of people would say I'm a fool to quit uni, to get married at 19. My husband and I almost had to file for bankruptcy once because a business venture didn't work out.
ReplyDeleteMy accountant made me cry because he said that our business venture was the most foolish thing that someone could do.
But you know what, my husband and I bounced back quick smart and I'm not afraid to do it all over again.
I think I'm stronger, wiser from all the stupid things I do.
Also you discover your real friends. The people who love the fool that you can be at times are the ones you stick with.
It's funny... I find my most foolish moments are the moments you are most honest with yourself.
Go do something foolish. It makes life interesting.
What is something foolish you'd like to try?
This is a great post, and I do identify with it - especially the getting-drunk-and-annoying-people part - for some reason that's started to become a huge worry of mine lately, even though I drink less now that I've ever done, gahh! I've started to feel petrified of being one of those loud, irritating, talky-rambly drunk people, even though it's never bothered me in the past, heheh..!
ReplyDeleteBy the way Josie I just wanted to say that I stumbled upon this blog quite recently and I absolutely love your writing: it's so honest and gutsy. You've said that you worry about what other people think of you, but for what's it's worth, I wish there were more writers/bloggers like you. I'm in my late 20s and my husband and I are quietly planning to start a family (ssh!) fairly soon and to see a stylish, gorgeous, cool stay-at-home mum speaking out is such a bloody refreshing change. Being a full-time mum in those early years is something I feel really strongly about, and I am soo sick of reading and hearing that it's not the "done" thing for university-educated 20 and 30-somethings, that society won't value you, that it's somehow a bad decision.
I'm under no illusions about how tough it will be to do it full-time, but it's just something I know I'm going to do. SAHMs have been given a crap image by the media, and society's dismissive perception of them is appalling, but I just know that's going to change eventually - it has to. And the people who are going to change it are awesome, intelligent, outspoken people like you. Please don't feel like you are viewed as some kind of 1950s housewife because to people like me you appear quite the opposite: feisty, brave, and not afraid to strike out and go against the grain. Or to put it another way, inspirational.
Apols for going off on a longwinded tangent and sorry if this sounds a bit fangirly but it needed to be said! ;)
I so want to be a good mother, wife, daughter, sister... I really want people to think I'm doing a good job. I'd probably enjoy life more if I didn't worry what people thought but I'm nearly 34 I don't think I'm going to change much as I'd like too. Glad to know I'm not alone x
ReplyDeleteYour list up there could be mine. ( A friend and I have a term - "wine anxiety" - to describe that awful next day feeling). I think I've been very focused for a long time on what other people think, but I'm feeling a shift in recent years towards being more concerned with what I think, or rather, how I'll feel about these days and this life when I look back in years to come. From the viewpoint, it's easier to ignore the masses and focus on those closest. xx
ReplyDelete