Tuesday, 12 February 2013
As some of you may know I've struggled a little since having Amelie. Not with post natal depression as I first thought but more to do with old issues raising their ugly head. There's nothing like having a baby for making you remember your childhood. Not that mine was all bad at all, just that I carried forward some issues I always suspected were there but were never enough of a problem to affect my day to day life, until, well, until I became a mother.
I'm having a mixture of CBT and some other kind of therapy which involves digging into your past and whilst it's incredibly useful it's also pretty emotionally draining! I've decided to write more about my experiences for two reasons: it's cathartic (hello dear diary moments) and I know some of you can relate. And if not you'll probably read and be mighty relieved you have no such issues!
Anyway this isn't going to be as regular series like the Mothers on Motherhood. I will probably just write when the mood strikes. I've decided to call this series On The Couch because I'm witty like that ;)
And I'd love this to be interactive in that I would love your feedback. Do you feel the same, do you have no idea what I'm talking about, do you have any recommendations? Hit me with it all!
I would apologise for being incredibly self involved but you know what, this is my blog and I think I do enough apologising in life for the way I am, so feel free to come back another day if this isn't your bag.
Okay, on to 'session' number one. I may well be pinching things my therapist says but if it makes me sound smart so much the better ;)
Making a fool of yourself. There are many things that make me nervous but making a fool of myself in front of others is definitely one of them. Here are a a few things I don't like the idea of:
* getting drunk and obnoxious in public and having other people think I'm a bit of an idiot.
* telling a boy I like him to have him be disinterested (not such a prob now but when I was younger, this was a biggie).
* trying hard to do something well and not pulling it off whether it be something work related or social.
* puking in public ( I do so hate this idea).
I'm well aware this makes me sound a little unhinged but I guess I mean I like to seem composed, in control, sorted. I like other people I meet to think I know who I am and what I'm doing (whatever that is). I don't like to seem unsure, scared, silly.
One thing my therapist said is that a lot of people today struggle with this concept of perfection and I guess this is related to the idea of making a fool of yourself.
I want to be the best version of myself. I want my home to be Pinterest worthy, my baby to be happy and well behaved, my relationship to be fulfilling and meaningful, my life to be well rounded and well, perfect. In terms of my life of course. But I feel I'm constantly striving for some imaginary perfection. I don't know who the hell is handing out the gold stars but I'll be damned I'm going to get one.
And making a fool of myself? Well slip 3 rungs down the ladder if you let that happen. Perfect people don't make a fool of themselves.
I have some idea where my desire to be perfect comes from but I also know other people suffer the same unhealthy notion and don't necessarily have my childhood experiences.
When I was talking about this with my therapist she asked me who cared if I made a fool of myself, who cared if I was perfect? And the best answer I had? Everyone and no one. In terms of the universe no one really gives a s*** if I make a fool of myself or if I'm 'perfect'. There's no competition when you die where someone grades you according to perfection (well maybe if you're religious, but you know what I mean).
I am so hung up on getting it right, whatever the hell it is. And it sure as hell doesn't make me happy. So whilst unfortunately I can't just snap my fingers and care less, I can do my bit to make a fool of myself and see that my world doesn't end. Whilst this doesn't mean getting wasted, telling a boy I like him and puking on the floor (no longer 16), I'm sure there's something I can do. Living with a bit more abandon maybe?
Any suggestions welcome here lovelies! I guess we're talking about caring about what other people think of you. Do you care, or are you one of those rare breeds who goes forth in life confident in their own way of doing things and to hell what people think or are you more like me, wanting to not give a s*** but secretly caring?