Primal needs

I was browsing this self hypnosis site , I do love a bit of self hypnosis, when I came across the following. This is directly copied from their site, I've added some comments in this colour, see what you think.

The 'primal needs' which need to be met to avoid psychological and physical distress are:

1. The need to give and receive attention

Attention is a form of nutrition and without the right quality and quantity we will suffer mental and even physical distress and illness. It's vital to understand the importance of how much and of what quality attention we give and receive in life, if we want to feel happier and have the space in our minds to focus on long term dreams and goals.

Well mothers certainly give a lot of attention. Mainly lovingly, sometimes perhaps a little resigned. 

'Yes darling, I'm watching you, that's a brilliant dive, drawing, twirl etc'.

Attention received? Well compared to when you're pregnant, non existent generally speaking.

2. Physical needs such as nutrition, sleep and exercise.

We evolved to move a lot, eat simple nutritious foods (not grains and sugar) and sleep a fair amount too. If you physical needs are not met properly, you won't feel right emotionally.

Hahahahaha. Well move a lot, yes if you have a toddler and even with a newborn you clock up serious mileage walking from washing machine to kettle to bedroom etc. Food is mainly what you can find/get down you in seconds before you're needed again, mainly standing up. I've had no problem losing baby weight, when is there any time to eat? Sleep, well we're doing okay now but the first 6 months, another hahahahahaha. And exercise? If walking to the shop counts then yeah. Any other active form of exercise? Don't be silly, if I have any free time i shall do one of many more pleasurable things.

3. The need for purpose, goals and meaning

We all need to feel life has meaning and that we have purpose. Some activities (such as ones that help others and/or develop new skills) will feel inherently more meaningful than others (such as hours of TV watching or doing work that doesn't inspire you).

A tricky one this. On the one hand as a mother staying at home to care for her baby (ies)  you feel like the most important self sacrificing wonder woman. On the other you wonder what day of the week/ month it is you feel such a little part of the 'real world'. 

Being honest, I don't feel like I have much in the way of these things. This blog gives me purpose. Being a mother obviously gives my life meaning in many ways, but in others I feel kind of useless. As always I blame society. Perhaps if the powers that be (don't get me started on this damn coalition) gave more respect to mothers in general, we wouldn't all feel a little adrift. 

I'm raising a child, what's more wonderful and yet more humdrum than that?

4. A sense of community and making a contribution

Research has found that social connection is a boon to both physical and emotional health. We evolved to connect to others and be part of a group. Low self esteem and anxiety may prevent us from connecting to groups until we stop feeling like that.

Apparently second time around mothers feel a lot more connected to their community. As a mother of one I can't say I really do, and I live in a very yummy mummy area. Partly because it's winter so a lot of our time is spent indoors. Venturing out for coffee or walks doesn't take up enough time and involve enough interaction. 

And the making a contribution part? How did I feel more useful to the world at large when I served pizza for a living? Amelie could turn out to find a cure for cancer or do some other wonderful thing, and I'm responsible for her most of the time. Surely that's making a contribution? I know it is, but yet when the world at large doesn't show consideration for this, even the strongest willed will crumble a little.

5. The need for challenge and creativity

We all need to feel stretched (rather than stressed) because when life becomes too easy or repetitous then it loses meaning for us (see need number 3). Creativity can be mis-directed as when people misuse their imaginations to worry. We encourage the productive enhancement of creative resources through our downloads.

Despite having no obvious talent per se, I do have a creative mind. I loved the styling of wedding planning and the shoots I did for other projects. I miss exploring that side of myself. My mind is filled with worries far more often that creativity because there's no outlet for it. 

6. The need for intimacy

We need to feel there is at least one person who accepts us and cares about us unconditionally "warts and all". To truly feel close to someone is a huge life enhancer. Physical intimacy (not just sex) is important for health and happiness too. Some people need to learn to relax with intimacy so they can start to fulfil this need.

Despite Amelie coming fairly early in our relationship, Antonio and I two peas in a pod. Actually we're pretty different and probably complement each other more than we're the same. I love him. A lot. Sometimes I look at him and think 'Gosh you are wonderful. A pain in the bum at times but I do love you so. And what a wonderful father you are.' I love our moments on the sofa together talking 99.9% of the time about our daughter. But this I don't mind, I know there's plenty of time in the future to talk about other things.

7. The need to feel a sense of control.

When we feel powerless to make a difference and to influence at least some events we become vulnerable to all kinds of fears, anxiety and also depression. Knowing how to feel more in control and how to relax during the times when all you can do is wait and see is a vital emotional strength - a strength that can be developed.

Hahahahahaha again. I am a huuuuuge control freak (except when it came to childbirth when I was surprisingly go with the flow). I can control to a certain extent Amelie's routine and daily life but there's nothing like becoming  a parent to make you realise that control is an illusion. And seeking it will basically drive you crazy.

8. The need for a sense of status.

Status is important (it even affects our hormonal levels). It's not that we all need to feel better than others, rather it's important for physical and mental health, to feel we have a recognizable, valuable and valued role within a community. Shyness, lack of confidence, self destructive habits can all block us from attaining a healthy status in life.

At the risk of being repetitive and blaming society/governments etc I would say most stay at home mothers feel this loss of status acutely. On the social scale mothers who don't work are kind of compared to the unemployed. If I say one more time, or here the words 'I'm just a mum...' Is it because anyone can get pregnant and bring up a child? Is that why it has zilch respect in the big wild world?

9. The need for safety and security

We all need to feel safe in our environment so we can enjoy life and grow. Our environment may be safe but if we don't feel safe on the inside (because of panic attacks, phobias or trauma from the past) then this vital need will still remain uncompleted until we learn to feel safer on the inside.

Well I have a comfortable, safe home environment and I hope you do. It's the 8 points above that make us stay at home mothers at greatest risk of feeling unsafe on the inside. 

For anyone finding this depressing, don't! I don't intend it to be so, just the opposite. These points should make you feel better if you're wondering where the hell the confident woman you were pre baby went. Yes your life has changed but look what you manage, you clever woman you. The chances of the world changing it's attitude to child rearing before our generation dies is pretty slim. But next time someone asks you what you do I hope you bloody well hold you head high and tell them. There's no 'just a mum' about it. 

* I'm writing this from the point of view as a stay at home mother by the way, obviously affects mums who go out to work differently. I know working mums struggle with a lot of guilt and other issues I haven't touched on. Be proud too. You're dealing with a lot that let's face it, the childless and a lot of men don't get. In the words of Aretha... R.E.S.P.E.C.T*