Mothers on Motherhood: Hannah & Nathaniel

One day I think I'm going to turn these stories into a book, they're so amazing to read.

This week's Mothers on Motherhood comes from the lovely Hannah...

Hannah & Nathaniel 9 months

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I have so much to say about becoming a mother, yet I've really struggled to write this piece. It's hard to articulate what motherhood is like because it's like nothing else. The following words come to mind; intense, beautiful, terrifying, incredible, fun and hard (so hard).  Motherhood is love you cannot begin to imagine - its makes my heart ache. 

For me I had a sudden desperation for a baby at the age of 29. One day I was happy to wait for a family and the next I couldn't wait any longer. It hit me like a train. So we started trying and that very same month I became pregnant. We couldn't believe our luck. The first 12 weeks of pregnancy went by without any problems; we were ridiculously excited and happy. We talked about the little one endlessly, imagining it was a girl, who we would dress in wooly tights. We named her "Betsy".  We loved her already. 

On the 3rd May 2011 we had our 12-week scan. I remember feeling incredibly nervous, but also excited. Finally we could tell all our friends and family this brilliant news and we get to see our baby! The sonographer pressed her hard instrument into my stomach. She was quiet for a moment.

"Hmmm" she said. "You're not quite as far along as you thought you were".  

I knew our dates were correct. I started to worry, why had my baby not grown as much as it should have? We could see the tiny one on the screen. And then it happened -

"There's no heartbeat,” she said. 

In that moment my whole world fell apart.  I let out a scream. 

The next day I had a procedure under general anaesthetic to have Betsy removed. She had stopped developing at about 9 weeks but my body had not detected it. It was a truly devastating blow, we mourned for Betsy. I found it so hard that I never got to meet this baby that I already loved. I fell into a depression - I missed my baby so much. 

We decided to wait a little while before trying again. In August we went on holiday to France with friends. We camped by Lake Annecy - we were happy. But my need for a baby was becoming overwhelming again… Nathaniel was conceived on that holiday. As we drove home he must have been about a week old, but I just knew he was in there! We took a test and there it was - the little pink line. Nathaniel's pink line. 

He was born on 11th April 2012 after 5 hours and 48 minutes of intense labour in which there was no time for drugs. I loved him immediately. This little stranger who I knew so well. He was actually here! 

I didn't love him in the way that I do now. That "I would do ANYTHING" for him love, a love that has grown and grown over the last 9 and a half months. Watching him grow is joyous. He's such a funny, strong-willed, beautiful boy. His little personality is emerging day by day. He's started to give kisses and cuddles, which is lovely and he is crawling like a daemon! He chats away and understands so much now. And there are so many developments ahead of us. 

For me personally, one of the most unexpected and wonderful things about being a mother is breastfeeding. It's so reassuring to be able to soothe him any time. It's our quiet, special time together. When he is nestled there and looks into my eyes it's an amazing thing. 

I must say though that breastfeeding did not come naturally to Nathaniel or me. We really struggled for the first 4 months of his life, he would often come off and cry and get frustrated. I tried everything to help but nothing did. Then one day, he just fed happily and we’ve never looked back. I am so glad I persevered. Sometimes he will fall asleep there with a little smile on his face. This makes my heart explode. 

Motherhood brings its ups and downs. There have been times in the middle of the night when he won't sleep where I have sat on the edge of the bed and sobbed. I don't think anyone can tell you how hard sleep deprivation is. Nathaniel is a terrible sleeper! This is a 24-hour job, you NEVER get a break. There are some tough moments and it's safe to say that I miss my freedom. I would love to just go down the pub, drink pints and get drunk. 

But motherhood makes you less selfish. It's all about Nathaniel now. He is everything. Each time he smiles or laughs or babbles I would give up anything for him. And after losing Betsy, he is a very wanted little boy. 

This brought tears to me eyes, big thank you Hannah for being so honest and personal. I have to say, through reading your contributions I feel infused with all the love you all have for your children. It's so wonderfully uplifting!

And look at that little face! What a beauty. I think I'd like to line Nathaniel up as Amelie's first boyfriend if that's okay Hannah? Yep. Good. 

And thank you to all of you who've emailed me your motherhood stories. If you want to contribute drop me an email ohyouprettythingsuk@gmail.com.