Mothers on Motherhood : Eleanor & Mostyn

Morning all, after the lovely response to this new Mothers on Motherhood series I've decided to kick things off straight away. I've loved reading your words so far. If you want to be featured please drop me a line ohyouprettythingsuk@gmail.com.

** update** please email josiehendrick@gmail.com for now as having problems with this account. Thanks.

First up are Eleanor and Mostyn...

Eleanor & Mostyn 16 months

blog: mossery
instagram: ormoluu
twitter:ormolu

Becoming a mother at 26 was a conscious decision for me, fueled by a overwhelming biological urgency that had been nagging in some primitive part of my brain for a while. Despite shaky employment and not owning our own house, having a baby suddenly seemed like something I had to do right away and fortunately my long term boyfriend felt the same.

I became pregnant quickly and instantly found myself embedded in the neurotic world of anticipation that will be familiar to anyone who is expecting or has recently had a baby: stultifying hours of product research, preoccupation with saving money, obsessive parenting forum reading, endless inspection of ones bodily changes and intense contemplation of the week by week formation of unseen and infinite brain cells, tiny fingerprints, perfect functioning organs and innate guidance systems.

Then, after a grueling 52 hour home labour, gas & air, a twisted baby head and blue light hospital transfer for the syntocinon drip, I successfully gave birth to a 6lb 4oz son and was left, dazed and bleeding into stiff hospital sheets on a drizzly September night, alone but for the tiny sleeping stranger in the clear plastic cot by my side - a stranger who inexplicably belonged to me. I remember everything about that night so clearly, the first time I'd ever changed a nappy at 3am, his first clothes, summoning the courage to press the button so a woman would come to help me try to breastfeed. The next day, high on exhaustion and hormones I demanded to leave, that I was fine, no, I didn't need pain relief thanks. After hours of waiting and tests we left the hospital with a tiny scrap in his car seat and new hat, my finger clutched by a miniature starfish hand, not comprehending the tears, love, work and wonder we had to come.

Since that day motherhood has to me been, to overuse a tired cliché, a balancing act - particularly as in my pre-baby life I was a freelancer and musician who also held down a job in the third sector. After my son was born I spent the first 4 months in a sleepless haze, parked on the sofa in clothes that didn't fit, continuously breastfeeding and feeling proud if I managed to get a load of washing on. At some point I realised I had to start getting my life back together or I was in danger of losing myself completely.

So, I got new clothes and glasses and started back up with my neglected freelance work. Going back to work part time was another turning point for me, as was starting to play a few gigs with my band again. I also started my blog Mossery, not as a way to document my motherhood experience (although I do mention it sometimes and its title is a tribute to my son's name) but as a space to record and share the other topics I'm interested in; art, psychology, history, music and books that are nothing to do with my new role as the sicked on, hair pulled, soothing milk machine I now found myself to be. Finding a spare moment here and there to keep track of my interests and tastes outside of my job as a parent has been very positive for my state of mind and I know I'm a better mother for it.

Motherhood has given me a fresh reason to work as hard as I can, not waste any of my precious time on this earth and, of course, ensure a happy life for my baby. My son is now a toddler at 16 months and seeing the world through his eyes like having a second childhood. Every time he approaches to show me a leaf, to read a book, to be comforted, for a tasty 'nack' or to be lulled to sleep - I am overwhelmed with more love than I ever thought was possible.

The past couple of years has been an incredible time, a brilliant, exhausting, hilarious, soul sucking yet amazing experience. I've honestly never been so happy.

Thank you so much Eleanor for sharing! I find it so interesting seeing how other mothers interpret their new roles. Some feelings seem universal and others are much more personal.

'Til next time :)